Both ends of the candle.

Just when you think you have a handle on things, you realise you don't. 

Evenings are the hardest time. Once DS is asleep, I can breathe a little but getting SS to sleep is another can of worms. The result being that I am so tired all of the time and mostly have to go to bed at the same time as they do, to get any amount of sleep that I can work with. And on the evenings that DH is home and we might otherwise have an opportunity to speak to each other or watch a film or be together in a non co-parenting capacity - I am too tired and go to sleep instead. 

But hey, at least I feel like a rubbish wife as well as a rubbish mum with the constant guilt - not doing this right - never give enough to everyone vibe, so there's consistency. 

There's that. 

Even to write this now I am in the dark. On my phone. Hoping that SS will drift off to sleep after enough hand sucking, at the same time as listening to DS breathing deeply and contentedly in his sleep. 

In my head I know that we will somehow turn a corner, in the same way that we did when we became a family of 3 and suddenly at some point it all made sense. This will make sense too. 

I hope it's soon.